No:1 My cabs just arrived, mate

No:2 My mum and dad are out (extra fun if you’re in your 50s)

No:3 We just rent the place – you’d need to talk to the landlord – I can give you his number but he’s hard to get hold of, so if you do speak to him could you remind him about – hello?

No:4 There’s no-one of that name here lady – oh sorry mum!

No:5 We use a local firm

No:6 Yes, we could change energy suppliers but I usually find that the one we just switched from suddenly gets cheaper, making the whole exercise a waste of time

No:7 I’m sorry, my bank deals with all this. Oh! You are my bank…

No:8 You’d like to talk to him/her? So would I! She/he ran off with my best friend last week – that *@#¥ – when I get hold of them – hello?

No:9 If only I’d known this earlier I wouldn’t have wasted all my money and now I’ve got none to give you

No:10 Look, please don’t take this personally but could you just fuck off?

(OK sorry, that was only nine things but hey, sue me. What! You’ve got a no-win no-fee lawyer? Damn, where was that number…)